Dear Mom,
New years eve. Going to begin a new year with you gone. For some reasons I am glad to say goodbye to 2009. 2010, it's hard to believe that its 2010. Crazy.
Tim's dad is going to watch the kids tonight, so Tim and I can go out and have dinner tonight. It is the first one I have had off in sooooo long. It will be fun. Although we will be home well before Midnight.

Cleaned out Kara and Jason's rooms today, they have so many new toys, that we had to make room for them. I just can't bear to get rid of anything they got from you. I saw Melvin and gave him a hug. Kara knows that you got her that frog when she was born.

Love for now,
Kristen

Merry Christmas Mom,

Our first without you. It was perfect only missing one thing, you. Its hard for me to think of spending the rest of the Christmases with out you. I just wanted to turn around and see you.

Last night Christmas eve party Kara, Jason and Molly were three of the five kids there. Not too many, we were saying that others need to get on the ban wagon and help out. Adam and Traci, Holly and Matt, Jen and Adam, Tony and ?. :) Tony, Holly and Jen said that I should have 2more kids to buy them more time. I said haven't I done my share?

Uncle Dave was Santa again. Kara came around the courner right into him. He said "excuse me Kara". Man you should have seen her eyes! And she got her present and sat on down.

Molly was the hit of the party and got passed around to everyone. Jason just ran and ran and ran.

This morning we woke up and Santa had been here. Kara got her pillow pet, she asked for. Jason got his choo choo trains he asked for. And Molly got her bumbo. ITs so cute, how did I not get one for the other kids? She likes it.

Dad went insane crazy, Jason didn't even get through his bag of toys. He just wants to play with it all! So we got activities for weeks, I hope.

I got Dad and Grandma calenders with pictures and dates on them. They were pretty cool. I am going to order another one for me. And Granny. Grandma cried when she opened it. So many pictures so many memories.

Tim got me the most special present. A locket with your picture in it. You were with me last night and all of today. I could feel the love for you.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

It's hard not having you here. Noone to call right now when I am bored on Saturday night that I have off. Yesterday and today have been really hard. I am coming to the realization that we are about to have Christmas with out you here. And it sucks. I am almost done shopping though. Molly poor girl I haven't gotten her very much, some binkies, a toy and a couple onesies and a sleeper. But that's it. But she won't even notice (I hope). Jason and Kara are going to be spoiled like normal. Jason got the thomas the train set, and Kara is getting a pillow pet. Now let me tell you, this year the pillow pets are "the" gift. And she wanted the unicorn one. Well this Santa wasn't about to pay 3 times the price for one. So she is getting a turtle one. But I got her to ask Santa for the turtle on instead. Speaking of santa, yesterday we got the kids picture taken with santa. When I took Jason off Santa's lap I accidently pulled off his beard oops.

Sounds like dad has gone overboard with Christmas for the kids. Just keeping up with your tradition I guess. He misses you. We all wish you were here right now. I can't wait to see you again, I love you.....(Gotta go Molly just started crying)....

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

We decorated our tree tonight. So many ornaments. 90% were gifts from you. You are all over our house right now. I love it!

Love Always,
Kristen

P.S. you should see this halmark commercial they have now. The daughter is decorating her tree with her husband and daughter. And he says your mom dropped off these ornaments from when you were little. Then there is one in there for the Granddaughter. It makes me cry.

P.P.S. Dad got Molly the Winnie the Pooh 1st Christmas one.:)

Dear Mom,

Yesterday was a month. Seams like yesterday you were here. I fear as time goes on that it will be harder to feel your presence. I miss talking to you at night on the phone. Wish I could call you right now.

Kara had her school performance tonight. They sang songs, and had a play. Kara was a fox and got to say into the microphone "burr It's cold, can we get into your warm mitten" So cute! She did so good!

Molly is getting so close to smiling, she looks at me and I keep waiting for the smile, I can see her moving her lips trying to figure it out, any day it will be a full fledged smile. Her clothes are starting to fit more. Her newborn stuff is getting smaller, and her 3months are beginning to not look so big. Just another showing of time going by. Oh yeah and she slept 9 hours straight last night! YAY Molly!

Jason is still Jason, and he's still two. He is beginning to talk more, and put together sentences. Where did my quiet boy go? He is also very much a Momma's boy now. Wants to sit on my lap, hold my hand and give me kisses. And he loves Molly!.

Kara and Jason are starting to fight over toys and other things. I now know how we used to drive you crazy!

I am getting my Christmas shopping done, its hard to do, without my favorite buddy. But I did get some great deals at Khols today! And I had to make a list this year, because you weren't there to remember what I liked:(. We need to get our tree up because I think that it will help my Christmas spirit. Dad is going to watch the kids on Sunday so that I can go shopping in Sacramento with Jen & Aunt Dixie. We are going to meet up with Jessica. I am really looking forward to it.

I think it's my bed time, I hope Molly has a good night of sleep again.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

It's cold here! They say it might snow, hopefully! Last night we took the kids to the Christmas parade. It was cold so we didnt stay to long and Grandma kept Molly so she didn't have to go out in the cold. But the kids loved it and so did I, it reminds me of being a kid and watching it. Funny as a kid it never seamed so cold. Just as summers never seamed as hot. But I'm sure it was.

Tonight Molly (who slept the whole time) and I did some Christmas shopping, didn't get much but it was nice to get out and away for awhile. Now I am watching the finale of the Amazing race. I hope that the couple with the beauty queen, wins. They are my fav,of the ones left.

Things just aren't the same without you.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

Well today we took you to the snow. We went to Bill and Kathy's and went up where we used to get our Christmas trees and dad brought a tree and we planted it with your ashes. Dad found a great spot. It looks out over the entire mountain. We put you in the base of the tree and Kara added some snow. We decorated it with some of our Christmas beads. and Dad brought a necklace with pictures and pins with your initials. He also brought a witmans tin, (one that you had more than one of) and filled it with some of your treasures, your handprint, and pictures. He also brought a solar light so you will have light at night. It felt like the right place to leave you. Although it was the hardest thing I have ever done was walking away. I didn't want to leave. It's nice to rememeber that we can come back and visit. But, it made it more real. And I didn't like that. But I guess thats the way it is.:(

We brought chili, but we didnt cook it in the fire, just because it was getting late and the kids (and adults) were getting cold. We went back to Kathy and Bill's and poured it all into one pot and cooked it up. Yum! Just one thing missing, no not Kath and Bill fighting, cause we had that (although I think it was more for show:)) It was you that was missing. But that is the case now, with everything, missing you.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

I realized today what great lessons you taught me about being a friend. I have aquired the best friends in the world. People who always care and would do anything for me (and I for them).
Thank you.

Kara has figured out a way to still give you hugs and kisses. She hugs herself and sends it up to you. Afterwards, you always send one down to her and she catches it. We both hug you all the time. Same with kisses we blow them up and wait for you to send them back.

Today I allowed myself to fantasize that you were still here, that you had never gotten sick and that you were able to do all the things that you wanted with the kids. You would pick them up randomly and take them everywhere with you. Just the way we always thought it would be. The way I wish it were now. But just having you back would be my dream.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,
Did somemore shopping today,,I found it easier to take all three kids somewhere. We went to the mall and I got some new clothes, and Kara got a hair cut. It's cute a little bob, just below her shoulders. We did go into the hallmark store. I saw a barbie musketeer ornament to get for kara. Thomas the train for Jason, and I saw the pooh bear book ones that you always get me. it was the last one of the series. Weird, last one....I guess I will have to buy it myself, gotta complete the series. I started tearing up in the store, and had to leave.

We also went to Macys and the kids wrote letters to santa, and they went and visited him. Jason was scared, Kara was shy, wouldn't even talk to him. Sometimes she does that now. Kara with nothing to say....strange.

Time to go make hot chocolate and relax before bed.
I love you always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

I made you proud again today. I got out to go shopping by 4:30 am. With a stop for coffee I was soon at wal-mart, where Jen got a lap-top and I got some great deals. Can't say what as Tim might read this.:) Then we hit Khols, Target, and the mall for Sears, Pennys and Old Navy. We saw Adam and Traci in the mall and Jes and Aunt Dixie. I had a good time. Of course as always I missed my favorite shopping buddy:(
Molly was so good, she slept the whole time (almost) except eating. More on this later....

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,
We just celebrated our first holiday without you. I am thankful for my family here, but I felt like something was missing all day long. Dad, Adam, Traci, and Greg all came to dinner. I was nervous, as I didn't have you to remind me how to make your stuffing or how to make the gravy. Both came out good. Although, I am going need to learn how to make mashed potatoes someday they never come out like yours. Dad made your chocolate pies and they were delicious, he did a good job. I think I will have another piece in a minute.

Molly and I are going to meet up with Jen and maybe Jes, (and maybe Adam and Traci) for some black Friday shopping. It won't be the same without you. I look forwad to being able to take Kara and Molly someday and carry on the tradition with them.

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you had a feast today too!
Love Always,
Kristen

Kara made this card to send to you today. That's you on the left with Journey. Kara and I, are
on the right. And you and Kara are both holding butterflies. She misses you too.

Dear Mom,

Last night I dreamed that yo go to come back, that you could come be with us but we never knew when we would lose you again, but we knew it was soon. We went everywhere, and did everything, and just enjoyed seeing you, talking to you and spending time with you again. I guess that's my way of still seeing you, in dreamland.....

Love always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I think that this is all a dream and you will be here when I wake up. But it's not, and you aren't here.

I guess I was right, Dad and Kara got crazy decorating the house for Christmas. You would love it I'm sure. Dad went and got more lights and hung them up outside. Definetly would make you proud. Dad also wrote the best letter from Santa to Kara, about you stopping by on your way to heaven, to have a chat with Santa about her. I can't even read it without crying, still.

Nighttime is the worst I want to call you and see what you did today, if you ate at perkos or Red Robin. Find out what you are doing tomorrow. Meet you at bagels, or go to Khols. But I can't all I can do is try to live in your legacy.

Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,
Ahh, Friday night. I was wanting to go to the movies tonight, but all my friends were working. So I was going to be like you and just go by myself, then I had a friend call and we are going tomorrow night, yay. We are going to see couples retreat. Looks funny, laughing would do me good.

Dad took Kara to spend the night tonight. He has plans of getting out the fiber optic Christmas tree and decorating up the living room. And if I know dad (as of now) that place will be all Christmas'ed out. I am thinking that it will be overly decorated. But oh well.

I just read that Old Navy is opening at 3 am for black Friday. That's getting a little ridiculous. I remember dragging my self out of bed to make the 6 am sale at Mervyns. But 3 am? no way! I will miss you even more (is that possible?) that day. I am going shopping, but I guess it will be by myself. Kara's still to young to bring out into that kind of crowd, but before long I will bring her to get the steal of deals!

Aunt Laurie came by and brought us a turkey for thanksgiving and the coolest little light up tree with poker chips and cards on it. So we now have a mini Christmas tree going on now.

Oh the things I think of all day long that I want to tell you, not 10 minutes goes by that I don't wish to talk to you.
Love Always
-Kristen

Dear Mom,
I gave Grandma our birthday gift today. I know she thought it was really special to have something from you that and I got for her. She got teary when we gave it to her:). Speaking of, last night Dad had me get some of your clothes out of your closet, almost all of them, I could remember being with you when you were buying them. I know each time I wear them it will be like hugging you. In the back of your closet was a cute sweatshirt that I remember you buying at Mervyns last year. You hadn't even taken the tag off. I am calling it my Christmas gift from you. So thank you.

Jason got his big boy bed yesterday and he, loves it. Although now Kara is so jealous of it that she wants a 'new' bed too. We moved the crib into Molly's room. We sure are getting our use out of it. Thank you for saving it for us.

I was just making my list for Thanksgiving, I hope all that you taught me comes back and I can make you proud of my dinner. Dad is getting your chocolate pie recipie out so that we can have those! Remember when we went shopping for thanksgiving when I was pregnant with Kara? And we were in the parking lot of WINCO and that person yelled at us for talking in the parking lot. What I wouldn't give to be chatting in the parking lot with you:(.
Love Always,
Kristen

Dear Mom,
It's been a week and I still can't believe you are gone. The time has gone by so fast this week, and every time I turn around I see you, hear you and can feel you. I wish I could go back to last week and talk to you one more time, and hear you call me "sweetie". Give you one more hug, and just one last trip to bagels or the mall. I am so thankful that you no longer have to suffer through countless doctors appointments and treatments. When you told me last month that you were so tired of it all, I had no clue that it would end this way.

Yesterday I was at the mall watching the kids play in the play area, there was a woman there with her Granddaughter. It hurt to think that you won't be able to go with us there anymore. I am sure she thought I was weird when I started crying, watching them.

I think of you every time I burp Molly. I remember you teaching me when to realize that she needs to burp, (when Kara was a baby). I can hear your stories and love, each and every time I close my eyes. I Love You! (and like you too:)
-Kristen